Trailing Behind

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

The motorcycle forums surgery. Something broken, falling off or faulty. In hospital? Put that stuff here and we’ll laugh n tell you to pull yourself together, stop whining you pathetic wimp. 
There is a chance of some accidental empathy and terrible advice but don’t let that put you off, someone will be along sharpish to let you know it happened because you’re a twat. Post your Dr appointment, medical disasters and bizarre ailments here for as little help as we can muster. Any stories welcome. They don’t have to be current or yours.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

I’ll kick it off with a midwife’s story I was told. 

Newly qualified and finally signed off for her very first solo birth with a lovely but not too bright couple she entered the room to find the labouring woman with her hand rummaging around down below. 

What are you doing?

I’m trying to stretch it a bit so it doesn’t hurt. 

Umm no it doesn’t work like that you can stop. 

Things started ramping up and a particularly vicious contraction took hold. 

The new midwife is sat next to the head of the bed and at that point had her head turned away from the patient talking to the husband who was sensibly as far away as possible. 

She turned back to hold her hand and offer comfort at the same time the patients hand was reaching out. 

Her fingers landed landed directly in the Midwife’s mouth.

Stunned by the grossness of what had just happened she unhooked her hand.  Desperate to create a competent impression with the other staff she pretended it hadn’t happened and stayed for the rest of the labour knowing she had ingested a tiny bit of that woman’s vagina 

[XTreme]

14 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

she had ingested a tiny bit of that woman’s vagina 

What's the best time for Six to go?

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

1 minute ago, XTreme said:

What's the best time for Six to go?

Easiest access for pervs and weirdos is getting a porters job. It’s the hospital equivalent of an invisibility cloak

[Buckster]

2 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Easiest access for pervs and weirdos is getting a porters job. It’s the hospital equivalent of an invisibility cloak

Shit, don't tempt him.

[XTreme]

2 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Easiest access for pervs and weirdos is getting a porters job. It’s the hospital equivalent of an invisibility cloak

He'll be down the Job Centre tomorrow morning for sure!

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

11 minutes ago, XTreme said:

He'll be down the Job Centre tomorrow morning for sure!

Yerp.
Porters can go pretty much everywhere in a hospital without anyone giving it a second thought and because the class system still faintly prevails and it’s got a bit of a military ranking thing left over from the past often no-one up the chain even acknowledges they’re there, you look at the ID see the word porter and carry on!

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

24 minutes ago, Buckster said:

Shit, don't tempt him.

Lots of dead bodies in the morgue though Buck, would be easy to swap a tagged one for one you need to disappear. 

If the body of someone already certified as dead did eventually surface from a shallow woodland grave it wouldn’t even be murder.

Happy to help

[Six30]

37 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

I’ll kick it off with a midwife’s story I was told. 

Newly qualified and finally signed off for her very first solo birth with a lovely but not too bright couple she entered the room to find the labouring woman with her hand rummaging around down below. 

What are you doing?

I’m trying to stretch it a bit so it doesn’t hurt. 

Umm no it doesn’t work like that you can stop. 

Things started ramping up and a particularly vicious contraction took hold. 

The new midwife is sat next to the head of the bed and at that point had her head turned away from the patient talking to the husband who was sensibly as far away as possible. 

She turned back to hold her hand and offer comfort at the same time the patients hand was reaching out. 

Her fingers landed landed directly in the Midwife’s mouth.

Stunned by the grossness of what had just happened she unhooked her hand.  Desperate to create a competent impression with the other staff she pretended it hadn’t happened and stayed for the rest of the labour knowing she had ingested a tiny bit of that woman’s vagina 

[Saul]

31 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

 

Stunned by the grossness of what had just happened she unhooked her hand.  Desperate to create a competent impression with the other staff she pretended it hadn’t happened and stayed for the rest of the labour knowing she had ingested a tiny bit of that woman’s vagina 

Ewe that is nasty.  

I have a couple of tails to tell from driving out of hours clinicians around but nothing in that league.  Saw a couple of things I would have rather not acting as a chaperone.   I work as a GSA now which is sort of s cross between a Hospital Porter and Cleaner.  I can vouch for the invisibility cloak unless somebody wants something.  

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

3 minutes ago, Saul said:

Ewe that is nasty.  

I have a couple of tails to tell from driving out of hours clinicians around but nothing in that league.  Saw a couple of things I would have rather not acting as a chaperone.   I work as a GSA now which is sort of s cross between a Hospital Porter and Cleaner.  I can vouch for the invisibility cloak unless somebody wants something.  

Well when you’ve figured out how to anonymise them enough do tell!

[Six30]

11 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Yerp.
Porters can go pretty much everywhere in a hospital without anyone giving it a second thought and because the class system still faintly prevails and it’s got a bit of a military ranking thing left over from the past often no-one up the chain even acknowledges they’re there, you look at the ID see the word porter and carry on!

 

[Saul]

Ok I will give it a go.  One of the advanced Paramedics I worked with was an ex marine who had seen his fair share of life and death, but great chap.  I had to take him to change a blocked catheter for a bariatric patient  in a local holiday camp which was housing allsorts of troubled people during the covid lockdown.  In between calling our service and us arriving she had drunk half a bottle of whiskey, had happy fun times with one of the more troubled men living on site and shat herself.  He had to go in and sort that and I had to chaperone.  We were both ashen faced after that one.    

[Six30]

23 minutes ago, Saul said:

Ok I will give it a go.  One of the advanced Paramedics I worked with was an ex marine who had seen his fair share of life and death, but great chap.  I had to take him to change a blocked catheter for a bariatric patient  in a local holiday camp which was housing allsorts of troubled people during the covid lockdown.  In between calling our service and us arriving she had drunk half a bottle of whiskey, had happy fun times with one of the more troubled men living on site and shat herself.  He had to go in and sort that and I had to chaperone.  We were both ashen faced after that one.    

Any pics ?

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

34 minutes ago, Saul said:

Ok I will give it a go.  One of the advanced Paramedics I worked with was an ex marine who had seen his fair share of life and death, but great chap.  I had to take him to change a blocked catheter for a bariatric patient  in a local holiday camp which was housing allsorts of troubled people during the covid lockdown.  In between calling our service and us arriving she had drunk half a bottle of whiskey, had happy fun times with one of the more troubled men living on site and shat herself.  He had to go in and sort that and I had to chaperone.  We were both ashen faced after that one.    

Warning this might be a bit much for the lilly livered.
Shit everywhere and immobile obese patients is a classic! They’re very slippery and creasy aren’t they!
You’ll never see a Doc deal with that stuff though, they run a mile

I had one where an immobile exploding bomb who was in a side room due to it being norovirus (and so infectious) splattered EVERYWHERE voluminously then in her angry desperate state transferred it from her hands onto my uniform while I was trying to help, when bent down removing her shit filled slippers… she touched my head and I had… shit streaked hair!

Puts new meaning into a hairdo having shit streaks
That was 20+ years ago and tbh I’m still not really over it  

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

43 minutes ago, Six30 said:

 

You can’t help but notice how unhappy the nurse on the left looks about having to do that!

[XTreme]

13 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

splattered EVERYWHERE voluminously then in her angry desperate state transferred it from her hands onto my uniform while I was trying to help, when bent down removing her shit filled slippers… she touched my head and I had… shit streaked hair!

@yen_powell would pay good money to get some of that!

[Catteeclan]

52 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

You can’t help but notice how unhappy the nurse on the left looks about having to do that!

He didn't enjoy either as they're the wrong gender.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

3 minutes ago, Catteeclan said:

He didn't enjoy either as they're the wrong gender.

Genders ok, age is wrong! 

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

48 minutes ago, XTreme said:

@yen_powell would pay good money to get some of that!

Thought Yen’s name would get a mention soon enough!

[Catteeclan]

1 minute ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Genders ok, age is wrong! 

Always assumed it was young boys, sick basted either way.

[Buckster]

1 hour ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Lots of dead bodies in the morgue though Buck, would be easy to swap a tagged one for one you need to disappear. 

If the body of someone already certified as dead did eventually surface from a shallow woodland grave it wouldn’t even be murder.

Happy to help

Too many issues with transportation.

 

I imagine.

[Slowlycatchymonkey]

8 minutes ago, Buckster said:

Too many issues with transportation.

 

I imagine.

Nah. Put on some scrubs and a porters ID, wheel a gurney out to your trailer and wheel the body into the morgue for a quick swap.

The woods you use must be getting chockablock by now, shallow graves aren’t wise. 

[Buckster]

14 minutes ago, Slowlycatchymonkey said:

Nah. Put on some scrubs and a porters ID, wheel a gurney out to your trailer and wheel the body into the morgue for a quick swap.

The woods you use must be getting chockablock by now, shallow graves aren’t wise. 

Industrial mincing machine and bleach.

[Saul]

2 hours ago, Saul said:

One of the advanced Paramedics I worked with was an ex marine who had seen his fair share of life and death, but great chap. 

This chap again, he was pensioned out of the marines with an injury so still in his 30's.     Very gung ho and daft if there was a chance of adrenaline.  We came across an Audi A3 on fire on an A30 slip road.  I stopped 100 metres or so back ,set the beacons going (flashing lights) and called 999.  Then I looked out the car window and action man was sprinting down the road and pulled open the Audi drivers door only to be engulfed by a cloud of flame as soon as the oxygen got in.   I started thinking fuck fuck fuck and ran down to find him about 20 feet back  on his back, no fringe, no eyebrows, with most of his beard gone  but ok if a little singed.  Absolute fucking idiot, I said to him after, what did he think he was doing the car was well ablaze with no sign of anyone inside and if they were they would have been long gone given the amount of smoke and fumes inside it.    It was a nicked car that had been torched, as the police hinted at when they arrived.  I suppose it was a very brave thing to do but  he was very lucky.    Of course I only gave control a very sanitised version of events and took him back to our base to sort himself out.  I do miss working with him, interesting fella.