Renegade

And I did

Who's Online 1 Member, 1 Anonymous, 623 Guests @ 10.40 this morning.

A very famous female American celebrity, who had a reputation for having been very promiscuous throughout her career, is about to have her 40th birthday, and decides that she needs some plastic surgery. So, she visits her plastic surgeon, and tells him that she wants her face lifted, her boobs perked up and her pussy lips reduced in size, because they've become very loose and floppy. Because of the embarrassment if the press found out, she insists that the surgery be kept completely secret. Of course the surgeon agrees to keep her treatment completely confidential and tells her that everyone involved will be made to sign a confidentiality contract. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, the woman finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she sends for the doctor. She says, "I thought I told you not to tell anyone about my surgery!" The surgeon reassures her that he had fully complied with her wish for total secrecy. He explains that the first rose was from him because, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." Then he tells her, "The second rose is from my nurse", "She assisted with the surgery and empathized with you because she had the very same procedure a few years ago, and knew what you were going through." She says, "And what about the third rose?" "That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit." "He just wanted to say thank you for his new ears."

I met an attractive 60 year old woman at a bar last night. She was very sexy looking I thought to myself if she has a daughter she wouldn't look too bad either. We had a few drinks together and then she asked me if I'd ever had a thing called a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she replied. I was really thinking this could be my lucky night so we drank a little more. Then we went back to her place. When we got in the front door I couldn't contain my excitement and then she shouts up stairs, "MOTHER, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?"

So here I am, squinting at the computer, my eye is still a bit swollen. So, "What happened?", you say... Well it was like this .... My wife, lovely woman that she is, apparently thought that our sex life needed a bit of "spicing up." So, unbeknownst to me mind you, she went out and bought a peephole bra and crotchless panties lingerie set. Then yesterday evening, after she cooked my favourite meal and sharing a really nice bottle of wine, we were sitting in the lounge relaxing with some more wine and watching a movie. After a while I noticed that she kept crossing and uncrossing her legs, and it was then that, on closer inspection, I first saw the new panties she was wearing. Somewhat surprised I asked her, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” She answered me, somewhat huskily, “Y-e-s darling, I was wondering when you'd notice.....” So I said, “Thank God!" "For a minute there I thought you were sitting on the cat!” I never even saw it coming !!!

AN ADULT FAIRY TALE: Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: Metal,Wood, Stone Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away, sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed. And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after Question: What was in the Prince's pants? M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."

Plenty of photos on The Sprockets facebook page of the Moon Rally. https://www.facebook.com/groups/110615694664

And you didn't even think about coming to see me

He's on holiday I think.

He was last seen on Maximumbikes on facebook

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Asda Dear Mrs. Mabiscuit: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. March 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. May 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. May 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. June 6: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. June 8: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. June 9: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. June 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. June 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. June 13: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.