Renegade

Christmas poem (adult). Christmas is coming, the goose is full of fat, soon be time for santa, the fucking bearded twat. He'll be coming down the chimney, with chinese toys of cack, he nearly got wedged up there, thanks to his bulging fucking sack. He likes to have a snack or two, and then a drink or three. He's had a fair bit earlier and is busting for a pee. Next, he'll nick your festive grub and chow down on your kippers then shite one in your flower tub, and piss in both your slippers. The dirty smelly wanker ain't had a wash in weeks. It's worse than body odour, the stinky bastard reeks! He's mixed the beer with lemonade, and drunk six pints of shandy, had seven shots of whiskey and half a pint of brandy. He's lurched around the living room, and crashed into the sofa, fell over on a dog chew and knocked the tree clean over. So whilst our drunken santa is behaving like a prawn, his dirty fucking reindeer are all shagging on the lawn. So now he's had his fill of booze, he's ready to depart. And nearly wakes the whole house up with a fucking thunderous fart. He's picked his nose, he's scratched his arse, and then he's touched your food. The dirty unwashed bastard really is so fucking rude. Thank god he's gone outside now, and got into his sleigh. At last the foul old tosser has finally gone away. That's it for another year. And thank fuck for that. It's time to brick the chimney up that will sort the twat!

murphy calls to see his mate paddy, who has a broken leg. paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

While riding my Harley, I swerved to to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think, " I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now ." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"

Same as mine.

The Lord called Noah one day and said, "Noah, I need you to build another ark." "What, like the last one?" Noah replied. "Er, no..I need this one to have 6 stories." "So do you want me to lead all the animals 2 by 2 into the ark?" Noah asked. "No," said God, "I want you to just take fish on board." Noah asked, "What kind of fish?" "Just carp." replied God "Why just carp?" asked Noah ~ Wait for it '~ God quipped, "Because I've always wanted a multi story carp ark!!..

It sure is ! and at 73 it is no fun. I'm 73 today.

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

I'm in the same position.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth: The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion... After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. His dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him.. Dad orders the biggest, strongest drink for the boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father shocked, begs the son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant! "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.. Swoop! Two legs pop out... The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thank god... The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.. then to the right, right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says! "That boy should have quit while he was a head