Renegade

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe where the men all had manhoods measuring 24 inches. According to the show, when boys reached a certain age, they tied a string around their shaft, attaching a weight to the other end. Over time, the weight stretched it to an impressive 24 inches. Later that night, as the husband stepped out of the shower, his wife glanced down and playfully suggested, “How about we try that African string-and-weight technique?” Intrigued, the husband agreed. They tied a string, attached a small weight, and waited for nature to take its course. A few days later, the wife checked in. “So, how’s our little tribal experiment going?” “Well,” the husband said, “we’re about halfway there.” “Wow, you’ve grown to 12 inches?” she asked excitedly. “No… it’s turned black.”

If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shite about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a FUCKING UTOPIA! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe! There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig? We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILED LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before! Regards, Grumpy Ole Fucker

Try riding a horse across it. Great fun NOT.

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his feckin' widow"

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke!

A Chap went to visit his old mum an dad, When he got there his dear old dad was sitting in his rocking chair on the porch with no trouser's or pants on, the chap said Dad why are you sitting out here like that, and the father said it's your ruddy mother's idea because i sat out here yesterday with no shirt on and last night i had one hell of a stiff neck so she said i'd better sit like this today.

Welcome back.

A young couple were walking down Lovers Lane, When suddenly she said Darling I NEED A WEE and the chap said go behind that hedge, which she did, He couldn't resist it he put his hand through the hedge for a little grope, When he felt something long and warm hanging there and he said BABE have you changed your sex, and the girl said I've changed my mind you silly boy I'm having a shit.

TRAGIC NEWS ******** The Police have Announced to day that the Man Who Fell off a roof of a Three Storey Night Club WAS NOT A BOUNCER

A teacher said I'm going to ask you a question and i want adult answer's because you are getting grown up now, the teacher said Mary what did you do at the weekend? the little girl said we went for a ride on a choo choo train and the teacher said no, i went for a ride on a train, teacher said JEAN you tell us an adult answer where did you go Sunday? Jean said went out for din din's and teacher said no you went out for lunch, so the teacher looked around the class and she spot's Billy in the corner so teacher say's Billy stand up and tell us in adult language what you did and remember all the girl's got it wrong, so teacher said what did you do Billy he said read a book and the teacher said what was the book called, Billy replies WINNIE THE SHIT miss

We were up there Thursday, they flew so low that I thought they wanted a race.

Stop pulling his leg will you !

A memory Lyn @KAYZ1

It was a great time Lyn when we travelled down to the south of France, Wales is stuffed with all this crap trying to keep us under their thumb.

It's definately a Peach

Dragons to be reintroduced to Wales after an absence of more than 1000 years , local conservation groups say they are pleased by the move that will put a large predator back in the food chain .... There has been concern shown by the farming community due to the risk of predation to livestock but the Welsh assembly say they are willing to pay compensation to farmers who can prove loss; the other danger with the dragons’ eating habits of taking virgins is not thought to be a problem as they became extinct in Wales many years ago anyway......

Wow ! I've only got 2.

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks." One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: “$90,000.” ; MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.” MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.” WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!” MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is..

A date with Pedo (OOPS I MEANT Pedro)

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."