Renegade

And you didn't even think about coming to see me

He's on holiday I think.

He was last seen on Maximumbikes on facebook

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Asda Dear Mrs. Mabiscuit: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. March 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. May 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. May 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. June 6: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. June 8: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. June 9: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. June 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. June 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. June 13: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Buckster at the Moon Rally.

June 20th to 22nd at The Marconi, Lavernock South Wales.

OOOPS !

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." “Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then"

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on." So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'" So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on." She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine." He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants." So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." “Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then"

Scottish Hardly club

I was at my bank yesterday waiting in line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"