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Jokes, your best your worse and all the rubbish on the internet between


Slowlycatchymonkey

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Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall, Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock"!

"How does it work?" his mate asks.

"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer,

A voice from next door yells"Ffs it’s twenty to three in the morning!!"

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3 hours ago, Buckster said:

You tried it didn't you?

Don't waste my time or money on girly products that make it more difficult to hold onto ANYthing...got enough issues w/ that type of thing already....

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

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I've discovered that the best way to scare off the little bastards begging for sweets is to answer the door naked... oh, there's some more arrived... disguised as policemen this time...

 

🤪

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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience..

Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"

God said :

"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as

well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded :

"God, you said I had

another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"

God replied :

"I didn't recognize you.......... !!!!!"

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