Renegade

This is true and not a joke.

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Paddy, a journalist, goes to Afganistan for a documentary on "life in Afghanistan"..after the American exit.. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village. The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" Paddy realised that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbours wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbours wife. We had great fun that day!" Well.. Paddy couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains

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A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f—king widow."

A guy called Simon went on Stars in your Eyes. Mathew Kelly noticed he had a funny walk. "You ok, Simon, I noticed your legs are a bit shaky?" "Fine, thanks for asking, Mathew," he replied. "It's just that I had a serious accident which resulted in having to have my legs amputated." "I'm really sorry to hear that, mate." Mathew said. "It"s not so bad really," Simon told him, " In fact I'm very fortunate because my uncle was fatally wounded in the same accident but the doctors managed to save his legs and transplanted them onto by body." "What a sorry and uplifting story." Mathew replied. " Anyway, who are you going to be tonight?" "Tonight, Mathew, I'm going to be Simon and Half-uncle."

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”

A Guy with a 25-inch Willy went to a Doctor and said, "I can't live with this Big Willy anymore..! It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the Witch Doctor, down in the Bayou, she can help you." So, he went to the Bayou and saw the Witch Doctor. The Witch Doctor said, "Go into the Swamp and find a Female Frog. "Ask her to Marry You. She'll say "NO", and you'll lose 5 inches off your Member immediately". So, he went to the Swamp and found the Female Frog and asked her, "Will you marry me"..??? "NO", she said. And right enough, he lost 5 inches off his Member. The Guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is still just a little too much. So he asked the Frog again, "Will You Marry Me"..??? The Frog said, "NO". And the Guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked her again, "Will You Marry Me"..??? And the Frog said, * "How many times do I have to tell you.. NO..! NO..! NO...!"