Renegade

THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes.” WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: “$90,000.” ; MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.” MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.” WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!” MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is..

A date with Pedo (OOPS I MEANT Pedro)

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed. She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me!

I went shopping today in Asda and i was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

I've just gone back on all the BOTM and the BOTY and there is nothing saying I am banned.

What are you fantasizing about now ?

Oh dear what a sad silly boy.

Even 1 of the admins is confused with your post.

Banned ? When was I banned ? and why am I banned ?

Two guys grow-up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with big boobs, tight shorts, and gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." “Again? Why?" "They have a cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters.” "Why?” "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" “They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay, let’s give it a try."

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and again says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and decides to signal back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the hell was that?" She replies... EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Yes Bob, I was 21 when it became law June 1st 1973.

Loads of times

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am..!' The first one says, 'So am I..! And where about in Ireland are ya from..?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin..?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I..! So did I..! And what school did ya go to..?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I..! Tell me, what year did you graduate..?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us..! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight..! Can you believe it..? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self..!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian..?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are fucking drunk again.

Went for a nice ride today. Lovely and sunny but a bit cold when the wind picked up. 130 miles in total via Brecon Beacons over to Llandovery and then back home via the Black Mountains.

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls' getaway trip, shopping, casinos, massages, and facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. "Wow, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over... On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want. So here I am."

Greater Manchester Police have reported finding a man's body in the River Irwell at Old Trafford. The dead man's name will not be released until his family have identified the body. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a Harley Davidson T-shirt he also had a large cucumber inserted in his rectum. The police have removed the Harley Davidson T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think... The Police do care...