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This thread is actually dog shit. My cherished little mate is obsessed with crapping where he knows I will walk. The paths to the bike shed is his favourite and the little twat has caught me several times. Especially when it’s dark. His latest effort at a trap, the evidence The accused. Who denies all knowledge

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f—king widow."

Oh the forum has reach new low ...lol....and I though my arse hair thread was bad...

thats human shit .... you weirdo saul

She should have done us all a favour and been a lemming

You think your grandma was a monkey and your grandad was a codfish.

spent much of today ( and most of last night) on the phone with daughter No.2b who is massively unhappy at uni the other side of the country ( lucky that walking around with a phone to my ear is normal practice at work) I also have man flu so am obviously at death's door.

A guy called Simon went on Stars in your Eyes. Mathew Kelly noticed he had a funny walk. "You ok, Simon, I noticed your legs are a bit shaky?" "Fine, thanks for asking, Mathew," he replied. "It's just that I had a serious accident which resulted in having to have my legs amputated." "I'm really sorry to hear that, mate." Mathew said. "It"s not so bad really," Simon told him, " In fact I'm very fortunate because my uncle was fatally wounded in the same accident but the doctors managed to save his legs and transplanted them onto by body." "What a sorry and uplifting story." Mathew replied. " Anyway, who are you going to be tonight?" "Tonight, Mathew, I'm going to be Simon and Half-uncle."