Jokes, your best your worse and all the rubbish on the internet between

[Buckster]

1 hour ago, busabeast said:

The only EVs worth having race round a small black track round the living room

[Renegade]

To the dickhead who accused me of following his wife home from the pub last night,

I know where you live!

[busabeast]

17 minutes ago, Renegade said:

To the dickhead who accused me of following his wife home from the pub last night,

I know where you live!

[KAYZ1]

8 hours ago, Renegade said:

Electric cars the truth

I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about.

Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche.

Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them.

Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa....

The house next door to me is owned buy a guy who has Losts of cach, and i do mean lots. His wife has the same name as me...( Welsh Wales ) Lyn.

He bought her a very nice German car to carry the Sprogs to school..the four seat one not the normal 2 seat sports car. She loved it, but then cos he could get a big discount on the business  tax he changed it to the EV version for PartX plus another 30grand..first she liked it..then she did'nt and wanted her old Petrol version back. So 3 months after he bought

it he went to trade it in for another Petrol Cy ( Opps ) and the dealer told him sorry Sir we do not buy s/h  EV's  Dealer lost out because he bought 3 new Por ( sorry ) new

cars a year from them..He now buys from another dealer..  Who wants an EV ha!

[Renegade]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock

of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

[YamaHead]

58 minutes ago, Renegade said:

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

I can relate....

[Renegade]

12 minutes ago, YamaHead said:

I can relate....

[Renegade]

Everytime my wife and I want to have sex,we have to say the code word 'Washing Machine.'

The other night I leant over to her in bed and said,"Washing Machine."

She said,"Sorry babe,I'm too tired,maybe tomorrow."

After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over,and whispered in my ear,"Washing Machine."

I said,"Sorry love,it was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[Renegade]

Australian: "That your dog?"

New Zealander: "Yep"

Australian: "Mind if I speak to him?'

New Zealander: "Dog don't talk.”

Australian: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

New Zealander: (look of shock)

Australian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the New Zealander)

Dog: "Yep."

Australian: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

New Zealander: (Look of total disbelief!)

Australian: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Horse don't talk.”

Australian: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (Extreme look of shock!)

Australian: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep."

Australian: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

New Zealander: (Look of total amazement!)

Australian: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

[Buckster]

1 hour ago, Renegade said:

Australian: "That your dog?"

New Zealander: "Yep"

Australian: "Mind if I speak to him?'

New Zealander: "Dog don't talk.”

Australian: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

New Zealander: (look of shock)

Australian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the New Zealander)

Dog: "Yep."

Australian: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

New Zealander: (Look of total disbelief!)

Australian: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Horse don't talk.”

Australian: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (Extreme look of shock!)

Australian: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep."

Australian: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

New Zealander: (Look of total amazement!)

Australian: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

The Welshman said the same.

[YamaHead]

[Renegade]

4 hours ago, Buckster said:

The Welshman said the same.

There's more sheep in Scotland and England than there are in Wales 

[Buckster]

7 hours ago, Renegade said:

There's more sheep in Scotland and England than there are in Wales 

Obviously, the sheep don't want to live there, in case you lot rape them.

[Buckster]

[Buckster]

[Buckster]

[Renegade]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

12.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13.October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

14.Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.