Renegade

June 20th to 22nd at The Marconi, Lavernock South Wales.

OOOPS !

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." “Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then"

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on." So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'" So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on." She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine." He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants." So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." “Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then"

Scottish Hardly club

I was at my bank yesterday waiting in line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

An English woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in. And then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a fuckin’ bridge.

We start today with a very sad story ........ Ive Just arrived home back from the hospital after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went he beckoned me toward him, he couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes that were attached to him so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I ...said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cupboard and took a pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the pen fell to the floor, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I somehow managed to get to the car without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to straighten it out but it It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it on facebook to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I'm not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says GETOFFMYFUCKINGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATBASTARD ...any ideas?..

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street, when a car pulled slowly up alongside of him, and the male driver slowly wound the window down and kept oace with him as he walked. After a few moments, the driver calls out to the boy, "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car..." The boy replies sharply, "No way, get stuffed!" Still slowly following him, the driver said, "How about a bag of lollies and £10 then, if you get in?" Clearly even more annoyed at this, the boy retorts, "Are you deaf or something?" "I said no way!" Ignoring this, the driver persisted, still rolling slowly along, to keep up with the walking boy. "OK - What about the bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID then, eh"? Angerd by the driver's continued offers, the boy tells him, "Look, for the very last time, No!, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" Seemingly unfazed by the boys repeated refusal, the driver continues, "OK then, I know what you want..." "I'll give you £100 and the bag of lollies if you just get in the car for me." Furious now, the boy leaned into the car window and screamed at the driver, "NO! NO! NO!! - get it through your thick skull!" "I'm never getting into that car with you!" This time, with a long sigh, the driver simply asked the boy, "Look, what will it take to get you into the car?" The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Tesla, you live with it."

Last visit yesterday at 6.30