Renegade

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 11.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 12.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 13.October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 14.Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

There's more sheep in Scotland and England than there are in Wales

Australian: "That your dog?" New Zealander: "Yep" Australian: "Mind if I speak to him?' New Zealander: "Dog don't talk.” Australian: Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing all right." New Zealander: (look of shock) Australian: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the New Zealander) Dog: "Yep." Australian: How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play." New Zealander: (Look of total disbelief!) Australian: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" New Zealander: "Horse don't talk.” Australian: "Hey horse how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." New Zealander: (Extreme look of shock!) Australian: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the New Zealander) Horse: "Yep." Australian: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather." New Zealander: (Look of total amazement!) Australian: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" New Zealander: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”

Everytime my wife and I want to have sex,we have to say the code word 'Washing Machine.' The other night I leant over to her in bed and said,"Washing Machine." She said,"Sorry babe,I'm too tired,maybe tomorrow." After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over,and whispered in my ear,"Washing Machine." I said,"Sorry love,it was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...' Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?' Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.' Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?' Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

To the dickhead who accused me of following his wife home from the pub last night, I know where you live!

Electric cars the truth I'm fed up of comments from people ridiculing EVs. They don't know what they're talking about. Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is fantastic. They look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance and haven't depreciated since I bought them. Literally the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the sofa....

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

What type of farm are you on? I come from a dairy farm.