Renegade

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect. After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse."

Only certain professionals can get away saying these... Doctor : Please take off your clothes Dentist : Now open wide and hold still Veterinarian : How's your pretty pussy Gardener : Want me to fertilize your bush Lawyer : Let's go over section 69 Banker : If you withdraw too early you lose interest Chef : Do you like it hot and spicy Police : You don't need protection Army personnel : Load... Aim... Fire...! Swimming instructor : Go deeper Gym trainer : Push harder Interior Decorator: Once its done, you will love it Telephone Guy : Would you like it on the table or against the wall

All the best Shadow hope you heal quickly.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

An underground dentist operating from a garden shed in Redruth was discovered completely by accident after police stopped the owner of a moped for not wearing a helmet. Officers became suspicious when they noticed a length of string tied to the back of a motorcycle belonging to Darren Kemp, 48. When asked what he was doing with the string, Darren reportedly said he was “towing something from the garden.” Police followed the line from Darren's Honda Melody moped, through his garden and into a shed, where they found a nervous-looking man reclined in an old sun lounger with the other end of the string tied around one of his teeth. Darren allegedly planned to extract the troublesome tooth using the moped, although officers arrived before he had a chance to put the method to the test. Inside the shed, officers found a headtorch, a pint glass full of toothbrushes and a bottle of cheap vodka with “anaesthetic” written on it. Darren, who described himself as a “freelance tooth technician”, defended the operation, claiming people had been coming to him because they were struggling to find a dentist. “You can't get a dentist,” he said. “Someone came in here the other day and said they'd been on a waiting list for five years. I said I can do it Tuesday.” Neighbours say they had recently become suspicious after noticing a stream of people going into the shed holding their jaws and coming out smiling and “a bit tipsy”. Darren has agreed to dismantle his makeshift operation and says he is now looking for an online course in the hope he can get a certificate and reopen the shed as a legitimate business.

APARTMENT for RENT... So a businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his Secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment .. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place, I was under the Impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you Know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!