Renegade

Mine and Gails sincere condolences Lyn.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William… that little bastard's name is Kevin."

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?" God said : "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth ! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded : "God, you said I had another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?" God replied : "I didn't recognize you.......... !!!!!"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall, Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock"! "How does it work?" his mate asks. "I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer, A voice from next door yells"Ffs it’s twenty to three in the morning!!"